My funny clean jokes Weblog

Really Funny Jokes : One-Liners

jennolarkin — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 16:28:06 +0000

- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
– He was lost in thought because it was unfamiliar territory.

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[Birthday sayings]

- Nothing is really foolproof for a sufficiently talented fool.

- The latest poll finds that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

- “Nobody goes where the crowds are anymore. It’s too crowded.” – Yogi Berra

- “Why is it when we talk to God we’re praying, but when God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic?” – Lily Tomlin

- “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve it by not dying.” – Woody Allen

- He started out with nothing, and he still has most of it.

THE YOUNG BUSINESSMAN – Funny Office Jokes

jennolarkin — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 10:54:15 +0000

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”

The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

[Clean Jokes]
[Humorous Sayings]
[Work Sayings]
[Joke quotes]
[Marriage quotes]
[Funny Dieting Quotes(27)]
[Funny Life Qutes(26)]
[Funny Office Joke]
[Funny Wisdom]

[Tombstone quotes]
[Birthday sayings]

Tough Life – Funny Clean Jokes

jennolarkin — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 13:30:02 +0000

A guy has one arm and decides he doesn’t want to go on with life, not being able to do the things other guys can do with two arms. So, he goes up to the 20th story of a building and is trying to build up the nerve to jump. As he’s standing there a guy comes walking on the sidewalk below.

The one-armed man notice’s that this other guy has NO arms at all. He watches as the guy stops on the sidewalk and starts dancing and spinning in circles. The one-armed man thinks to himself how selfish he is… in that he has one arm and is ready to end it all! So, he decides to go down and talk to the No-armed man.
He goes down and walks up to the guy and says, “Hey man… I’ve been up on the 20th floor considering to end it all because I have only One arm… Here you are with No arms and are dancing around. What’s your deal?

The guy with No arms says, “Arrrrr… dude I’m NOT happy! My nose itches!!!

Moral: Think Differently. If you got no arms, get a friend to itch your nose.

Funny Animal Jokes – Bathing the Cat

jennolarkin — Sun, 09 Sep 2007 14:36:24 +0000

Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Don’t get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a “powerwash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

joke of the day – Thanks for Flying

jennolarkin — Sun, 09 Sep 2007 14:34:06 +0000

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?”

“Why no Ma’am, what is it?”

“Did we land or were we shot down?”

joke of the day – Flying With A Blonde

jennolarkin — Sun, 09 Sep 2007 14:32:01 +0000

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer.

A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though.

One of the blondes says, “If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day”